Senseless tales
by lerhemichelle
Summary: This are senseless tales, hint the name. PG13 because of drug references.
1. Nonexistent secret admirer

This is one of those incredibly stupid, dumb, retarted, random fan fics that make absolutely no sense, have no plot, no story structure, no nothing they teach you in creative writing class enjoy!  
  
I own none of these characters, even though the only one I mention is Hermione, however, I do not own Hermione.  
  
The little girl named Hermione sat down in the library sobbing.  
  
Nobody likes me, she said to herself.  
  
However that was completely wrong.  
  
She had a secret admirer.  
  
Yes.  
  
Yes, indeed she did.  
  
The secret admirer was so secret she didn't know of him.  
  
The secret admirer was so secret no one knew of him.  
  
Actually, that was because he did not exist.  
  
Wait, did I say 'he?'  
  
I never specified the gender of this secret admirer.  
  
But since the secret admirer does not exist then it does not matter.  
  
Does it?  
  
No.  
  
No, indeed it doesn't.  
  
This is the end of this tale read on for more. 


	2. Cough, Cough

Again I own none of these characters.  
  
Neville sat looking at his toad Trevor.  
  
Trevor was a good toad.  
  
He never ran away (cough, cough).  
  
He never got lost (cough, cough).  
  
He never planned to take over the world using a big red button and a sausage taco (cough, cough).  
  
He never got expelled from 3 toadstools I mean toadschools in a row for throwing a rave party in the woman's restroom – men only (cough, cough).  
  
He never dyed his eyes yellow and wore color contacts on his non-existent hair (cough, cough).  
  
He never went hopping off the college then came home two days later, broke and hung-over (cough, cough).  
  
He never went streaking in the Halls of Hogwarts, even though he does that every day because let's face it who ever heard of toads wearing pants (cough, cough).  
  
He never went to pay a parking ticket and came out with a date (cough, cough).  
  
He never got married, divorced, went to court for child support ended up getting six years in jail and a $4 fine all in one day (cough, cough).  
  
He never found a pair spandex pants, tried them on and realized that spandex ain't for everyone (cough, cough).  
  
Hmm... maybe Trevor isn't such a good toad. 


	3. The Firebolt

I own nothing you could possibly recognize from the wonderful Harry Potter books.  
  
Did you know that the Harry's Firebolt has a mind of its own?  
  
Everyone always thought that it did whatever Harry wanted it to do.  
  
But that was wrong.  
  
Very wrong.  
  
It just so happens that the Firebolt did whatever it wanted to.  
  
I guess Harry and the Firebolt wanted to do the same thing.  
  
Great Minds think alike, huh?  
  
Or maybe they are bad minds.  
  
What ever.  
  
So Harry's Firebolt and Harry wanted to do the same thing.  
  
Maybe the Firebolt had no choice.  
  
Maybe there is a magnet inside the tip of the Firebolt that attracts the snitch.  
  
Wait, isn't the snitch gold?  
  
And a magnet only attracts iron, cobalt and nickel.  
  
Maybe it's a special magnet.  
  
A magical one.  
  
Yes, that would be it.  
  
I mean, this is Harry Potter for crying out loud!  
  
gasp  
  
That means that Harry is cheating!  
  
That means that Harry really isn't that good at Quidditch!  
  
That means that Harry deserved his Quidditch ban!  
  
Bad Harry! 


	4. Undercover Harry

I am not the owner Harry Potter, or Undercover Brother.  
  
Harry was on a plane.  
  
He was going to the US.  
  
He was going to see his pen pal.  
  
Her name is Isabel  
  
She is a witch.  
  
He is a wizard.  
  
How funny.  
  
He arrived in the Birmingham Airport.  
  
Isabel was there.  
  
Hello she said.  
  
Hello he said.  
  
They watched Undercover Brother.  
  
They acted white and pronounced their e's and r's.  
  
They grew fros and cut a little part out of them.  
  
You mess with the fro, you got to go.  
  
Then they got eaten by a shark as they fell off the man's helicopter.  
  
No more to tell.  
  
If you have never watched Undercover Brother, it is the funniest movie in the entire world. Most people might not get it though. Watch it! 


	5. Pasta

I own no Harry Potter characters.  
  
Aunt Petunia was cooking pasta.  
  
She liked pasta.  
  
But she had lost the knack for making it.  
  
How tragic.  
  
Now it was either undercooked, or over cooked.  
  
She enjoyed pasta that her wizard nephew made.  
  
It was good.  
  
It really was.  
  
She actually liked Harry.  
  
She never showed it.  
  
But she liked him all the same.  
  
He made good pasta.  
  
Very good pasta.  
  
She should teach Dudley how to make pasta.  
  
Maybe then he would be able to do something.  
  
With his fat self.  
  
A mess.  
  
Why couldn't Dudley be more like Harry?  
  
Oh gosh darn it!  
  
She overcooked the pasta! 


	6. The girl's bathroom

Oh my gosh you will never guess what I just found out! I don't own Harry Potter!  
  
Ron was sitting in the bathroom.  
  
He was looking at his hair.  
  
It was red.  
  
Actually it was a reddish orange color.  
  
Why does everyone call orange hair red?  
  
Does it sound more glamorous?  
  
From now on I will tell everyone that I have orange hair, not red hair.  
  
How many syllables does orange have?  
  
I mean is it or-ange?  
  
Or ornge?  
  
If you say it ornge, then why is there an a?  
  
Kinda dumb if you ask me.  
  
Who am I talking to?  
  
Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak!  
  
Oh no someone's coming in here.  
  
It was Parvati.  
  
"What are you doing talking to yourself in the girl's bathroom?"  
  
Oops. 


	7. Lucille

I do not own Harry Potter, only Lucille, well sorta.  
  
Author's note: Only 4 people in the world will understand this. And they are me, Dew, Loaf, and KT.  
  
Harry, Hermione, and Ron went swimming.  
  
Lucille was there.  
  
She followed them.  
  
If they were in the shallow end.  
  
So was Lucille.  
  
If they were in the deep end.  
  
So was Lucille.  
  
If one of them dove off the diving board.  
  
Lucille was there to scare the crap out of them.  
  
If someone went down the slide.  
  
Lucille was there to make them wait for her to move.  
  
But when the left.  
  
Lucille was forced to stay. 


	8. Draco's Disco

I do not own Harry Potter as I have clearly stated in the fine print earlier even though it was not very fine. I don't own Shania Twain's songs either.  
  
Draco was sitting by himself.  
  
He heard faint music.  
  
Don't want you for the weekend. Don't want you for a night. I'm only interested if I can have you for life. Yeah.  
  
Draco's foot began tapping.  
  
He stopped it.  
  
But in my car, I'll be the driver. In my car I'm in control. In my car I come alive oh. In my car I'll am the driver.  
  
Draco began shakin his booty.  
  
Go with the flow with her. Dream with her scream with her. Let her take over or just get to know her. Be everything you can be. If you can find her and free her, Juanita will unchain your heart.  
  
Draco got up and danced.  
  
There ain't no where it won't hide. There ain't no speed it won't drive. There ain't no law it won't break and there ain't no chance it won't take. There ain't no particular way.  
  
"What am I doing!!!!!????"  
  
"I'm the bad guy!"  
  
Yes this does sound an awful lot like a scene from Undercover Brother but let's face it, I'm obsessed with that movie! Watch it!!! Actually more than four people will understand the Lucille thing, but it was us 4 that made it up. 


	9. Harry looses his cool

I do not own Harry Potter, because if I did I would live in Texas, have my personal jet fly me to all the Alabama Baseball and Football games, own a motorcycle, buy working headphones, and destroy all violent video games, and make an Undercover Brother 2. Oh yeah I don't own Martina McBride's songs, because if I did I would – oh never mind.  
  
Harry sat there reading Quidditch Through the Ages for the bizillionth time.  
  
The portrait hole opened.  
  
In walked Ron.  
  
He was wearing white make-up, suspenders, and a red and white striped shirt.  
  
gasp  
  
A mime!  
  
Harry was mortally afraid of mimes.  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAdeepbreathAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHdeepbreathHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
He screamed.  
  
Ron shrugged and pulled on his invisible rope up to the dormitory.  
  
Harry had just begun to calm down when the portrait hole opened again.  
  
In walked Hermione.  
  
She was wearing a tutu, leotard, pink ballet shoes and her hair in a bun.  
  
gasp  
  
A ballerina!  
  
Harry was mortally afraid of ballerinas.  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAdeepbreathAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHdeepbreathHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
He screamed.  
  
Hermione shrugged and spun her way up to the dormitory.  
  
The portrait hole opened a third time.  
  
In walked Fred and George.  
  
They were dressed in matching zoot suits (????) and doing the tango.  
  
gasp  
  
Harry was mortally afraid of the tango.  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAdeepbreathAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHdeepbreathHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
He screamed.  
  
Fred and George shrugged and tangoed up to the dormitory.  
  
The portrait hole opened yet again.  
  
In walked Draco.  
  
He was dressed in tight jeans and a backless tank top singing Martina McBride.  
  
"How FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR do I have to go to make understand!?"  
  
gasp  
  
Harry was mortally afraid of Martina McBride.  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAdeepbreathAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHdeepbreathHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
He screamed.  
  
"Hey wait a minute, you're not even in Gryffindor!"  
  
Draco shrugged and walked up to the dormitory, singing.  
  
"Oooooohhhhhhh watch me go! I'm a happy girl everybody knows. That the sweetest thing that you'll ever see..."  
  
Harry's eye twitched.  
  
The portrait hole opened again.  
  
In walked Ginny.  
  
"Hey Harry, what's up?"  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAdeepbreathAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHdeepbreathHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Harry ran screaming out of the portrait hole. 


	10. So senseless, it ain't even got a name

I do not own Harry Potter, The Alabama fight song, or that really great song KT wrote about Stacy's dad.  
  
Yes I know.  
  
Yes.  
  
Okay.  
  
Mmm hmmmmmm.  
  
Whistling noise.  
  
Oh hello!  
  
Yes of course.  
  
Alright.  
  
Mmm hmmmmmm.  
  
Okay.  
  
Righty-o.  
  
Hermione, where are you going?  
  
Whatever.  
  
Ron, take that underwear off your head.  
  
Yes it does.  
  
I don't think so.  
  
Alright.  
  
No I didn't.  
  
Yes please.  
  
Stacy's dad has got it going bad, Stacy's oh, oops.  
  
Sorry.  
  
I know sir.  
  
Of course I will.  
  
Hehehe not!  
  
Now let's see where was I?  
  
Go teach the bulldogs to behave send those Auburn tigers to a watery grave and – Hi Cho!  
  
No.  
  
Yes.  
  
Yes.  
  
No.  
  
Okay Bye. 


	11. Enough about the shoes

Hey ya'll sorry I haven't updated in a while, I was doing dome mission work at my church and was completely exhausted! Anyway's I don't own Harry Potter, in case you already didn't know.  
  
Harry was sitting on his stool.  
  
He was very high up.  
  
So high up, he could see his feet.  
  
He was wearing shoes.  
  
Brown ones.  
  
With brown laces.  
  
They were nice shoes, they were one Dudley's but he only wore them once. He went on a eating spree and nothing fit him any more.  
  
So Harry got them.  
  
But enough about the shoes.  
  
Harry was in his dormitory.  
  
I think I'll change my shoes. He thought.  
  
Which shoes should I wear? He thought.  
  
He grabbed his tennis shoes and walked back to the common room.  
  
But enough about the shoes.  
  
Harry was on the Quidditch field.  
  
He was wearing cleats.  
  
He kicked someone, they screamed.  
  
It must have really hurt.  
  
But enough about the shoes.  
  
Harry was at the rodeo.  
  
How did I get here? He thought.  
  
Oh well. He thought.  
  
He looked down.  
  
He was wearing snakeskin boots.  
  
Cool.  
  
But enough about the shoes.  
  
Harry was taking his driver's test.  
  
He tapped down on the gas and increased his speed to 35.  
  
Then he turned on his right blinker, and then is left blinker, wipers, caution lights and his brights.  
  
Then he got out of the car.  
  
THIS IS THE US!!! WE DRIVE ON THE RIGHT SIDE!!!!  
  
But enough about the shoes.  
  
I bet everyone wonders what the heck was goin on in the last chapter. So I'm going to have a contest! If you can guess what was goin on, you get a uh..... special prize! 


	12. Hermione answers the unknown questions

I do not own Harry Potter. I sound like a broken record. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Har- "shut up!!!!!!" back hands record player, it falls to ground and breaks even worse Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. Do not own Harry Potter I I I I I. throws twinkie down on player DUCK AND COVER!!! (that is an inside joke)

Harry was interviewing Hermione for the Hogwarts Herald.

You know everything right?

Duh

Interesting. Why does Jell-o jiggle?

Not even Richard knows that.

Fascinating. Why shouldn't you make something idiot proof?

Because the world will make a better idiot.

Incredible. How many kinds of people are there in the world?

Three, those that can count and those who can't.

Entrancing. Why do some people have curly hair and some strait?

To make people jealous.

What does defenestrate mean?

To throw out a window.

That's all for now folks.


	13. The dream

Hello to all I am terribly sorry to those who actually read my fic regularly! Plays take up too much freakin time! Anyways....I don't own Harry Potter and the sky is dark at night.

Harry was flying.

Hermione was flying.

Ron was flying.

Malfoy was flying.

Neville was flying.

Crabbe was flying.

Goyle was flying.

Parvati was flying.

Cho was flying.

Seamus was flying.

Dean was flying.

They all flew into each other.

Madam Hooch blew her whistle.

Everyone stood up.

Dumbledore floated in as.......the Sugar Plum Fairy!

The students did the Bum Dance.

Downtown..........Downtown............Downtown................

bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce

Hermione pulled out some weed.

She falls over and drops her joint.

Neville grabs it and dies.

GASP!!!

Harry woke up.

Since my little guessing thing for chapter 10 didn't work out I will just tell you what the answer is... I Love Sirius Black was the closest... actually they were the only person who answered but anyway....the answer is what Harry said in one hour. Kinda stupid. But I Love Sirius Black gets a prize! And it is this:

_G_**O**_O_**D** _J_**O**_B_


	14. Three things at once

Hello: Here are the three most obvious things in the world: Liquid Nitrogen is cold, striped pants and plaid shirts rarely make a positive fashion statement, AND I do not own Harry Potter. GASP!

Dumbledore smiled.

He smiled at Professor McGonagall.

Professor McGonagall smiled.

She smiled at Dumbledore.

Dumbledore got up.

He walked over to Professor McGonagall.

Professor McGonagall got up.

She walked over to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore handed Professor McGonagall a pencil.

"Thanks," she said.

"HARRY'S A WIZARD!!!!!!!" screamed Petunia

Hermione looked up from her book, The Great and Wonderful World of Witches and Their Contributions to the Wizarding World that Wizards were Given Credit For. She looked at Ron.

"Hey buddy," she cooed. "How ya doin?"

"Are you drunk?" Ron asked.

"What do you think?" said Hermione falling onto him.

"I think I should take advantage of this," said Ron.

"Ugh......" moaned Hermione. "Ron, what are you doing!?"

"Nothing!" said Ron, sticking Hermione's papers into a book and sitting on it.

"OK, I think I'll go back to sleep...." Said Hermione.

"You do that," said Ron.

Ron pulled the papers out of the book and continued copying.

You people have sick minds.


	15. The Dance

I HAVE RUN OUT OF IDEAS FOR FUNNY THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THE OBVIOUS FACT THAT I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER… SO I WILL SAY THIS,

I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER.

Hogwarts was having yet another dance.

It was a Halloween dance.

There were many people there.

The entire school in fact.

Except for one person.

Do you know who that one person was?

Me either.

We can find out together can't we?

Well there's Hermione, dancing with….whoever that is.

And Harry's sitting in the corner talking to Wood.

Wood!?

Wood's back!!!!

Anyways, back to the matter at hand.

Ron is….. no that's someone else… ah! no…not him either…there he is!

Ron was sitting right in the middle of the dance floor…doing nothing.

Dumbledore was sitting at the high table looking at the ceiling, or the sky, depending on which way you _look_ at it.

McGonagall is shaking her finger at some student.

Cho is singing with the band…very badly.

Malfoy is holding Voldemort's nose. _GASP!!_ I said Voldemort's name!!!!! Oh well sue me.

Dennis Creevy is missing.

Dean Thomas is jumping around, probably drunk.

Ginny is spinning gracefully with her arms out.

GASP!!! WE SOLVED THE MYSTERY!!!!!!

DENNNIS CREEVEY IS MISSING!!!!!

YAY!! Ok I'm tired, I'm leaving.


	16. Uhhhhhhh

Sorry peeps, beeeeeen runnin out of idears.

Run, run, run, run!

As fast as you possibly can!

Faster!

Hurry Up!

C'mon! Faster!

Let's go!

Ron looked out over the fields just past the castle.

Small white puffs clouded the stretch of ground.

Twas foggy and grey.

Harry ran threw the clouds as fast as he could.

Hermione was watching from the balcony of some turret hi above the sky.

LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA! She sang.

Suddenly all was quiet; the fog was gone, Harry stood in a small tree making the bird fly off.

Oh yeah, by the way, I don't own Harry Potter


	17. The Perfect Couple

Hello everyone and welcome to the I Don't Own Harry Potter Show! On today's final episode I will be completing this story. YESS!

So Harry.

So Hermione.

How are you?

I'm fine.

That's wonderful.

OK.

Well…?

Well… what?

Aren't you going to ask me how I am?

Uh yes.

Well?

How are you Hermione?

I am wonderful Harry, thanks for asking.

You're … welcome…

So Harry.

So Hermione.

Yes?

…What did you get for number eighteen on the Charms final?

Your momma.

What?

Your momma.

Alright now, I'll admit it was a little rude to not ask how you were but you didn't have to go and insult my mother! I mean, she died for me, gave her one and only life for me, it's not like anyone can do that, and she did it just like that. She didn't ask for Voldemort to come into our house and kill her! I have her eyes!

Harry –

No!

No, the answer really was your momma!

I don't wanna hear it!

But –

Shut up!

I j-

Oh wait, the answer really was your momma, I've just remembered. sarcasticGee thanks for all your help Hermione!

Wha –

Uh! Forget it!


End file.
